Story time!
My buddy Sean - one of the most interesting characters I met during my time in Ireland. He's bawdy, opinionated, and a good laugh. We were out having a few pints when he unloaded this gem on me. I asked him to write it down so I could post it here and he did, sort of. He cleaned it up for mass consumption and I feel it lost some of its edge. So, with Sean's permission, I have tried to edit it so that it captures some of the essence of the irate Irishman I have come to know and love.
***
I'm on my way home one afternoon, and as I was driving up my street I noticed a car parked in my driveway. I stopped behind it and took a good look - It was little red Renault Clio, a chicks car. I didn't recognize it and there was nobody around. My driveway is the only spot to park is as everything else is paid parking. I had no choice but to put my car in paid parking... but I didn't pay. Why should I have to pay because some delinquent motorist took my parking spot?
I walked to a few of the local businesses to try and find the offender but no such luck. I went back to my house, wrote a note and stuck it to the windscreen:
“Please move your car immediately, you are taking up my private parking space whilst I am parked in a public paid spot!”
I went back into the house, trembling with rage, and sat in the kitchen. I had a clear view of the driveway so I just sat there, waiting for the arsehole to return. Suddenly I had a genious idea. I walked to the bicycle shop a few doors down and bought a chain link lock for €10. I came back and put the lock through the spoke of the car’s front right wheel. They'd have to ring my bell to get it off which would give me the chance to chastise them.
I went back into the kitchen again, sat down and called my friend Dennis for a chat. I filled him in on the car situation and he strongly warned me NOT to lock up any of the wheels. He said if they failed to notice the lock and started driving away, it could really feck the car up. I was fine with that; they deserved it. While we argued about it, I noticed that the car had started to pull away! I jumped up and I stuck my head out the window and screamed at the driver to stop while waving my arms frantically. The car stopped after going only a few feet so I ran out the front door.
The driver door opened and GUESS who was behind the wheel?
A fookin' NUN.
A short, middle-aged Catholic nun in full habit complete with crucifix and sensible slip-on shoes. I pointed to the lock and explained that had she backed out much more she would have messed up her car. She stared at the lock and looked back at me. I took the key and removed the lock as she lamely apologised. I emphasised the utterly anti-social nature of her actions, pointing out that I had incurred public parking fees because of her negligence. Ok, so I didn't actually pay for the parking but I had paid €10 for the lock and wanted to recoup some of that.
Nun: “So you want me to pay for the parking?”
Me: “Yes! This is my space, I park here!” (whining tone)
Nun: “How much?”
Me: “5 Euro” I didn’t charge her the full 10 Euro because the parking would have only cost me around €3, plus I retained the use of the lock should other nuns (or anyone else) pull a stunt like this again. She apologised one more time, backed out of my driveway and went on her way. The incident has coloured my view of nuns.
*** Nun or not, Sean has principles.
My buddy Sean - one of the most interesting characters I met during my time in Ireland. He's bawdy, opinionated, and a good laugh. We were out having a few pints when he unloaded this gem on me. I asked him to write it down so I could post it here and he did, sort of. He cleaned it up for mass consumption and I feel it lost some of its edge. So, with Sean's permission, I have tried to edit it so that it captures some of the essence of the irate Irishman I have come to know and love.
***
I'm on my way home one afternoon, and as I was driving up my street I noticed a car parked in my driveway. I stopped behind it and took a good look - It was little red Renault Clio, a chicks car. I didn't recognize it and there was nobody around. My driveway is the only spot to park is as everything else is paid parking. I had no choice but to put my car in paid parking... but I didn't pay. Why should I have to pay because some delinquent motorist took my parking spot?
I walked to a few of the local businesses to try and find the offender but no such luck. I went back to my house, wrote a note and stuck it to the windscreen:
“Please move your car immediately, you are taking up my private parking space whilst I am parked in a public paid spot!”
I went back into the house, trembling with rage, and sat in the kitchen. I had a clear view of the driveway so I just sat there, waiting for the arsehole to return. Suddenly I had a genious idea. I walked to the bicycle shop a few doors down and bought a chain link lock for €10. I came back and put the lock through the spoke of the car’s front right wheel. They'd have to ring my bell to get it off which would give me the chance to chastise them.
I went back into the kitchen again, sat down and called my friend Dennis for a chat. I filled him in on the car situation and he strongly warned me NOT to lock up any of the wheels. He said if they failed to notice the lock and started driving away, it could really feck the car up. I was fine with that; they deserved it. While we argued about it, I noticed that the car had started to pull away! I jumped up and I stuck my head out the window and screamed at the driver to stop while waving my arms frantically. The car stopped after going only a few feet so I ran out the front door.
The driver door opened and GUESS who was behind the wheel?
A fookin' NUN.
A short, middle-aged Catholic nun in full habit complete with crucifix and sensible slip-on shoes. I pointed to the lock and explained that had she backed out much more she would have messed up her car. She stared at the lock and looked back at me. I took the key and removed the lock as she lamely apologised. I emphasised the utterly anti-social nature of her actions, pointing out that I had incurred public parking fees because of her negligence. Ok, so I didn't actually pay for the parking but I had paid €10 for the lock and wanted to recoup some of that.
Nun: “So you want me to pay for the parking?”
Me: “Yes! This is my space, I park here!” (whining tone)
Nun: “How much?”
Me: “5 Euro” I didn’t charge her the full 10 Euro because the parking would have only cost me around €3, plus I retained the use of the lock should other nuns (or anyone else) pull a stunt like this again. She apologised one more time, backed out of my driveway and went on her way. The incident has coloured my view of nuns.
*** Nun or not, Sean has principles.
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| Sean (left) - Appropriate attire for this story |
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